Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*