Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit