Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
how to market bottled water to dads
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*