I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.