The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
😂💯
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..