[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Optional boss fight.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Google assistant rules
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio