When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?