If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Growing up was a huge mistake
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.