I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away