My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.