Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
You Might Also Like
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
#Caturday
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.