I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money