Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.