I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
How high do the levels go?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types