me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.