Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
You got this…
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
how it started vs how it ended
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?