I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My work here is done
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Bootstraps