*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?