Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
#SaturdayBears
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
dutch so unserious
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
God has abandoned us.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.