There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“That’s what” – She
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident