If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Monday
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The Birdles
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
cats when you pet them too long:
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes