You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”