Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
New tinder profile pic
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free