Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.