i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
IT’S-A ME,
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato