Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing