What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
You Might Also Like
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Worst perfume name ever.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense