ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
i dont have time for this
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful