2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Become ungovernable.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.