Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
You Might Also Like
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The three genders.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”