My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
In banana years, I am bread.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.