There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Have kids, they said
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.