Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I need this for my side hustle.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.