My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.