Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.