Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
bears
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride