My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
She was REALLY feeling it.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad