Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Raisins are grape jerky.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”