Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Bless you
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.