My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me, flirting😏
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant