Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”