Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
You Might Also Like
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
cat vs inanimate object
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night