King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.