OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My god she’s good.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”