INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games