[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
new career option?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.