If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay