If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Accurate
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing