I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
s
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.