How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.